My Roomate is a Jerk.

For those of you who didn't know I got a roommate here in Ukraine a couple months ago and this blog is just for me to vent about him because, frankly; there can be no doubt, my roommate is a jerk. I've never met such a finicky fella. He's always eating and not just his food, but the stuff I cook for myself. Whenever I'm cooking eggs, he huddles around the pan like he's entitled to it. What's with this guy? He's always sleeping, cruising around town for chicas or eating; seriously that's all he does. Right now he's passed out while I'm typing this, it's 3:00...pm.

I thought having a roommate wouldn't be such a hassle, I mean he's good company every once in awhile. Girls love him. He's one of those guys that has to duck behind trees or hide under tables to avoid the senioritas. If I thought I could take him to the bar with me, I would for that reason alone. I guess I can understand why, he does what he wants and forgets the rest. He's got that James Dean attitude about him which explains why he's kind of a lousy roommate. I don't know. Get this, he'll walk around the room and if I have stuff lying on a table near the edge, he'll just knock it off. There's no reason for this except he thought it would be interesting or funny to watch it fall! He has no respect for my possessions. He's already destroyed my bed/couch that isn't a futon. He does seem happy though... maybe I could learn something from him.

Perhaps I care too much what others think, always tip toeing around other people's perspectives until I can't take anymore of their opinion. Truly, I'm a mat for some people and as a result people treat me that way, my roommate's no different. We've watched movies and he just falls asleep wherever he's laying, even if it's my bed. I have to wake him up and move him out so that I can go to bed. In the morning he's so loud, I usually wake up and see him walking around, more than once pawing at the alarm clock, eventually knocking it off the table.

Perhaps the worst part is no one seems to see this except me. My neighbors all love him. They feed him fish and chicken when he's wandering around the apartment building, they'll give him a little milk to help wash it down too! I wouldn't be surprised to see him dunk oreos in there if I thought for minute we could buy them in our town. He's always hanging out around the apartment, partly because he's totally unemployable but partly because what could someone pay him for? I know there are guys like him that have become actors or joined some act on the road or a circus and I mean he's handsome enough to get into show business but I don't know if he's got the talent or the smarts. I'm pretty sure he'd need some manager to usher him between gigs and take care of his every need just to get a decent performance out of him. Pretty soon he'd just be doing it for the girls and food.

Did I mention his grooming habits? It's unbelievable, for someone who takes a ton of baths it's a sheer feet of willpower to smell as funky as he does. He's always slicking his hair back with those furry mitts of his (did I mention he's hairy? He's really hairy, he's got that long hair look but it works for him I guess, I'm not gonna hold someone's love of a long mane after all, I love my beard.) The problem is I find his hair everywhere, on clothes, the couch, even the kitchen counter! Oddly enough I don't see it in the bath tub.

When I said everyone loves him, I should clarify that. It's only my friends that he takes offense to. Whenever I invite someone into my apartment he thinks it's hilarious to surprise them when they aren't looking. When I had a bunch of volunteers crash at my apartment before Big Bang I told them straight up "He's an animal and he'll bite you." Of course when I brought cute girls back to my apartment he turns into a big cuddly, the girls couldn't stop remarking what a cutie he was. He is quite handsome, I think it's that hair of his.

He sure does seem happy though. He knows what he wants and he goes for it. He does what he has to. He eats as much as he wants and even though he's a little pudgy nobody really cares. He sleeps as much as he wants even if it's just a quick nap attack here or there. He gets his exercise in during the day being a social butterfly, tom-cattin' around town doing who knows what. I really should follow him to find out but I, unlike him have a job and responsibilities. I mean one of us has to pay the rent and so far that's always been me. My landlord doesn't seem to care that he hasn't chipped in. He'd probably get kicked out if I showed my landlord the couch but I couldn't do that.

At the end of the day I appreciate his company, even if it's lousy company. Despite living with me for about five months his English is still piss poor. I don't know about his Ukrainian because he doesn't speak it in front of me. Between the internet and I...I think he might be illiterate, which is why I'm venting this way. Honestly, I've never seen read anything! Not so much as a label. I saw him chewing on some iodine pills one day. I asked him what he was doing but he just ignored me and strutted out of the room. I don't know. Maybe he was embarrassed that I called him out on his illiteracy or his weird tendency to chew on things that should not be chewed. Alas, I'm getting away from the point.

He's not the best company, but he's something. In a country where everything takes far more effort than it would in America, it's nice to have someone simple to come home to. I understand my roommate, honestly, he only cares about sleeping, cruising for chicas and eating me out of house and home... and I respect that. There's no pretenses with this guy, he's a straight shooter and he never pretends to be something he's not. He'd be a great life coach, if only he had a life...but then again; he has the life. He has the life. Here's a picture of my roommate.

He is handsome isn't he?